TALES FROM BEHIND THE BOX: AN EXCERPT FROM MY NEWEST BOOK

I'm working on my 2nd book. This will from the world I know very well: Poker dealing! The synopsis of the book will be tales from the box. Stories from the world I see as a professional poker dealer. The idea of this book is a elicit an emotion from my stories: Happy, Anger, Sympathy, Love, and Sadness! I've written 50-70 stories, but I'm trying to condense it into 50 best of the best. In fact, I want to share a part of my creativity: so here's an excerpt my newest book:

“What is the difference between a puppy and a poker dealer? – Eventually the puppy will stop whining.

Sitting in the box (it's where a poker dealer works), I watch the diverse personalities at the poker table interact. On one side, a retiree Calgary who spends 8 months of the year in Vegas to get away from the cold of Calgary, Alberta Canada. He has to be helped to his chair from his motorized cart – one of the nicest guys I've ever met in my life. Very likeable guy, who's never said a bad word about anyone, who takes his bad beats like a true gentleman (no matter how bad those bad beats are), and a guy I generally root for. One another side, is a retired Army helicopter pilot from Arizona, who frequents our poker room 2 or 3 times a month – a tall imposing fella,who loves the game of poker, plays a tight game and has been friendly to me and everyone I've worked for – also our liaison for the Arizona Lottery along with Mega Millions, which we still have won...yet!!! This Arizona gentleman is so loyal to our room, he'll sit at an empty table for a hours until a game is started – all poker rooms need people like him. In the center is another retiree from Texas, who's apparently been poker his entire life, strolls into our poker room at a snail's pace, pushing his glasses up the rim of his nose at any moment, “Seat open??” he speaks in a soft Texan accent. Unlike, the other two gentleman, my Texan friend takes some horrible bad beats that I seemed to deliver at a frequent pace. He's a table-hopper, trying find the right combination of a good table draw and a good run of cards – all of which he does at the aforemention snail's pace...nothing is rushed with him. He is a true definition of a grinder. Tipping is not one of his strong points, despite it all, I generally like this man. I generally root for him to win......

To be continued...

There you have it. I'm really proud of what I've written, and I think this will be one of the best things I've ever written. Hopefully, when I complete this book, you'll enjoy these poker dealer stories as I enjoyed writing them.

TALES FROM THE BOX: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BROTER "THE POSER"

Once again, I bring another tale from the behind the felt of a Las Vegas Poker Dealer...as I present

 

THE FURTHER

 

ADVENTURES

 

OF

 

BROTER "THE POSER"

 

 

For those want to understand the story behind Broter "The Poser" please click this link for a past blog post I wrote about this piece of work.

 

So I'm standing around, waiting for my turn to get into the dealer box to make or shatter the poker dreams of the young and old alike, our hero BROTER strolls into the poker room wearing his typical phony plain looking suit. Top two buttons of his white collared shirt unbuttoned. BROTER begins his typical sprint around the poker room, with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face, trying to make sure all the poker dealers, poker players, cocktail waitresses, and anyone within eyesight that the "Great, and almighty" BROTER has graced us with his presence.

 

The first thing BROTER does is to try and get a seat in the poker game, but alas, there are two No Limit games running, but the game is full and there is a small list. So a dealer puts BROTER on the list, at the same time, BROTER is staring at his phone...I guess trying to see if the president of the Poser Associations of America send him a text proclaiming his awesomeness!

 

So BROTER stands around by himself for a moment, stunningly surprised that no one from the poker room is doing him a favor by asking about his life. BROTER begins milling around to looking for someone to talk too...he sets his radar on the nearest person...which happened to be...YOURS TRULY, RONALD VELACION BALTAZAR

 

Unsolicated, he shows me a woman on his iPhone, a very attractive woman I must say and begins his rant...the way only BROTER can do, and without a single salutation, the rant starts, "I got this girl's phone number yesterday, but I'm not sure I'm going to call her. Because I have another girl I've been talking too. I know I can get this girl in bed, but I don't know if I want too cause I have this other girl I've been talking too."

 

Of course, I'm nodding my head putting up my best "customer service" smile, but all the while, I'm thinking, "Are you being fucking serious??!! Why would tell me about all this unsolicited? Does this fucking douchebag think I'm going get down on my hands and knees and bow to the feet of this clown?

 

Finally, BROTER gets his seat, and I'm spared anymore crap from his bubbling idiot. I walk over to another dealer and tell them the story of BROTER blaring at me...we share a laugh....

 

This was the latest, but it's definitely won't be the last...

 

SO STAY TUNED FOR MORE ADVENTURES OF

 

 

BROTER "THE POSER"

 

 

 

"The Poser" Broter -- A Las Vegas Tale

Kids, parents, interested parties, and anyone who wants to listen..


I HATE POSERS!!

According to the Urban Dictionary, one of the funniest websites I've ever come across, a POSER is defined as "One who pretends to be someone who's not" or "someone who tries to someone with exaggeration."

In Las Vegas, you come across a lot of posers. Most do it because they're visiting and just want to have some fun, so I don't fault them. Then, you come across people, who live in Vegas, and do their best to become someone they're not...and what makes it worst, they'll always tell you about it. And, it's always unsolicited.

There's a young poser, who I've played poker with around town...we'll just call him "Broter", Broter would always play in a cheesy gray suit (similar to the one worn by the Dos Equis guy), always with the collar unbutton, hair greased up, cheap lofters, and walking in talking on this cell phone. Convinently, Broter would end his conversation when someone in the poker room approached him.

Broter started ranting about how he was just talking to girl, and she wanted him to take her to fancy restaurant or how he had sex with all these women..The funny thing was all this was unsolicited -- Not one time, did a player, dealer, floorman, cocktail waitress, porter ask him about his "exploits" with women. Here's a example of a dialogue I had with him about a year ago:

Me: What's up, Broter

Broter: Hey Ron...just got back from seeing this girl. She said she wanted to meet me for lunch, but I told her I was too busy (Insert goofy laugh here). I told her I wanted to play poker.

Me: That's cool

Broter, Yeah, I mean she keeps calling me and saying she want to meet me and that I should take her to Bellagio for lunch, but I'm so cheap that I couldn't. (TO THE DEALER: I'll buy in for $300, give me 20 in ones so I can tip the cocktail waitress). Yeah, I could have sex with her anytime, but man I got all these other women I need to get with that I have no time for her.

Me: Really

Brother: Like today, she asked me to meet me for lunch, but I told her I'd rather play poker, so consider yourself thankful.

Me: (Sarcastically) WOW, aren't we the lucky ones.

Then Broter becomes the poser poker player.

He tries to comes across as this loose aggressive player capable of making bluffs, but playing with him for years, I can tell you he is the most transparent player you'll ever face. He's the tightest nit, unwilling to gamble when it's warrants, then sits there folds and folds while getting up from the table to answer or text his phone. I'll tell you, I've won some nice pots, by always reraising him preflop because 99 percent of the time, he'll make some wimpy, pussy 7 dollar raise and I'll make it $20 and he'll make a speech about how he has a big hand (He always has a big hand when he raises), then he'll fold 99 percent of the time, saying he'll find a different spot. Although the different spot is always the same one...Broter raise, I re-raise, speech, then folds. When faced with aggression, my poser friend, Broter will usually shy from it.

I've played with Broter a lot, and I've never seen him have a big stack. I can honestly say the most I've ever seen him win was maybe 200 bucks, and that's because the deck totally hit him in the face.

Another one of his favorite lines always came when a beautiful woman passed through the poker room: "Look at tits on her, I'm going to get her number." Alas though, he would never leave his chair, he'd just sit there fold his 15th straight hand, and go back to messing with his phone.

Another thing I noticed about Broter was he would always ask the dealer if he tipped them, which he rarely did, as if he did something extremely noble. As a dealer, I noticed this cause he would be condescending to the dealers as if it a "pleasure" and his "honor" to toss a buck their way.  He was one of those "obnoxious" tippers..guys that toss the toke up on the air so the entire table could see..one of those, "I'm a tipper, everyone look at me. I'm the best."

Let me say this, I don't think Broter is not a terrible person. I think he has some self confident issues always from the poker room, and he uses poker as a way to become and try to become something he desperately wants to be. He tries and craves the attention that he comes across as a total douchebag...again, not a bad thing, but damn when you hear and see the same shtick repeatedly, you want to take his head and pound it against the wall....ONE TIME!!!!!!

I'm sure the next time I'm playing poker and I see Broter stroll into the poker room, you can assure two things: 1) he'll make sure everyone knows he's in the room 2) one of the nittiest players will sit with you, so ask for a table change

REDBIRD CENTRAL -- NOW I KNOW WHY!! -- A Story About one of the most Generous Gentleman I ever met....So I thought.

Poker dealers see alot. Poker dealers think they know their customers. Poker dealers speculate about how their customers live their life away from the poker room, but as I'm about to show you...you never truly know..

Case in point...Here's two links to a very important legal case that got a lot of attention here in Las Vegas..please read it before you read the rest of the blog, because it'll all make sense in the end...


Stem Cell Con Game

They Called him Dr. Frankenstien

Why do I care about a crazy Romanian Doctor who defrauded senior citizens and performed his "research" on unsuspecting victims? And what does it have to do with poker?

His name is Alfred Sapse, he doesn't have a lot of ethics, he'll probably die in prison, and he's a GEORGE!

George, in the poker dealer world, is a term for a good tipper. They don't come around very often, but when they do, the poker dealer prays he pushes every big pot to him/her. When a "George" is playing a big pot, and he/she is betting/raising a pot, you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside because if you push him a pot, you'll be sure he'll toss you a redbird...ALFRED SAPSE was that person.

Three years, Mr Sapse used to play in our room every day. When I first met him, he was your typically bumbling 85-year-old, wearing these thick glasses. He seems so absent minded about everything. He insisted he sit in the middle he couldn't see the flop, and don't dare ask for his players card. I remember asking for his player's card and he would wave it off and give me "Are you kidding look?" He was the worst player I've ever dealt too. Talk about a guy who didn't have a clue about the game of poker. If he had any part of the flop, any type of draw, and sometimes not connected to the flop, he was going to the river. As a result, he would put some horrendous beats on the players, and the players would go absolutely nuts, calling him the worst player ever...Mr. Sapse would never say a word as he scooped up a pot. Occasionally, he'd glanced at one of his many poker victims and give them a sly smile.  Another thing about Mr Sapse, I don't think I've ever seen him cash out! No matter how may big pots he won, he would always lose every dime and more...I don't think I ever saw him rack up chips and walk back to the cashier...NOT ONCE!!!

But there was one consistent trait, he ALWAYS tipped the dealers a Redbird, whether he won a $15 pot or a $1,500, he would toss you a redbird, so even though he was a terrible poker player, it was a race for the poker dealers to push him as many pots as possible to they could get those coveted Redbirds. As a poker dealer, putting Mr Sapse on a heater could potential make your day, week, month, and year.

As a man, I don't have respect for him because of the terrible things he did. He stole over $1 millions dollars from these patients, and according to the story, he used that money and lost $700,000 in gambling loses...most of which was probably done at the casino I work at.

Here's my theory of why he was such a terrible poker player..he didn't care about the money. I think he was using the poker room to launder the stolen money through the poker players, and in some sick way, he was tipping redbirds, we the poker dealers became unknown, unsuspecting assailents to his cycle of crime. The thought cracks me up.

When I read the story of Alfred Sapse and his crimes, I was surprised and appalled. I never in a million years with this man I've dealt many hands too could do something this dispecable, but it made me realize you  truly don't know anyone even if you think you do.

Well, I hope he enjoys his last years of his life in prison, and maybe saved a few Redbirds so he could buy favors from the guards....lol

"WHAT A CALL!" -- ANOTHER LONG LINE OF POKER HERO CALLS

I really hate the term "hero" call. The word "hero"should be reserved for people like the military, police, and firemen who actually who's mission is the serve and protect the freedoms we American enjoy. Someone who calls with a Queen High in a $1-$2 game in a $20 pot for $5 should use the term "hero".

A while back I wrote about my poker night at the Luxor with fellow bloggers Lightning , Lucki Ducki, and robvegaspoker , if you need to refresh your memory check it out here. (Sorry if it brings a sore spot for you, Lightning :))

Anyway i wanted to talk about another hand I played that didn't involved any of the poker bloggers. There was another gentlemen playing with us, probably in his mid-40ish, probably the worst player at the table, was into his 4 buy in, and probably his last $100. The other bloggers each took their shots at this guy and managed to chip away at him. Everyone but me, then this hand came:

After this 4th rebuy, he moved from the 8 seat to the 1 seat. I was sitting in the 10 seat. It's folded around to me and see Pocket 6's...I make a standard raise of $8 (As I tossed my $8 in, Lucki Ducki had just racked up and was saying his goodbyes to everyone. I returned the salutations. Lucki Ducki was small talking with Lightning and RobVegaspoker)...mid 40ist guy calls from the button, SB calls, BB folds so we take the flop 3-handed:

Flop comes 7 4 3 rainbow, Small Blind check to me. I bet $12....called by the button, Small blinds Folds. We're now heads up going to the turn. At this point, I'm assigning him to a range of a pair, a suited connector, or maybe something like A-5 or A 6 suited, but being the worst player at the table, I couldn't entirely takeout broadways cards like QJ or KQ out of his range.

Turn brings a King. Although I do think KQ is in his range -- I believe it's in the bottom of his range. I want to bet again here just in case he's playing a hand like A-5 or A-6, cause I'm know he's probably calling. I didn't want to bet too much to drive him away, but at the same time, I want to get value from my hand...I settle on a bet of $20. Instant call from my opponent.

River is a 9. I think this card is a total blank. I thought about the best way to play this hand..I thought betting out again, but I don't think I'm going to get a call from a worst hand. Also, if I get raised, I'm going to be faced with a tough decision even against a titled opponent with a wide range...Checking is probably the best play here, hoping I get a showdown, but be willing to call a modest bet...I tap the felt, and before I could blink...my opponent shoves the rest of his chips in..

WOW!! Didn't expect that. I asked for a count...it was $80. With around $70 in the pot, my first instinct was to fold, not because I thought I was beaten but it was something else very tangible, and probably the wrong reason....You see at the time, I was up around $200, and I was nearing the end of my session. I wanted to make sure I booked a win and at the time this hand came up. This, of course, is the wrong way to play poker. If you're playing "scared money", you probably shouldn't be gambling.

As I thought about what to do, the thought crossed my mind, "You can't play scared, you gotta to with your gut. If you're wrong at least you were true to yourself" I began ruffling the chips faster and faster as time inched by..felt like forever..then I did something I've never done.

"Can I show my hand?" I asked the dealer. Most poker rooms, the ruling is always if it's heads up you can show your hand, but occasionally you come across a room who rules the  hand is dead even if it's heads up, so I wanted to get clarification from the dealer.

"Yes you can." The dealer started.

I flipped over my pocket 6's, immediately placing a chip on it to indicate that I wasn't folding. At the corner of my eye, I could see my opponent leaning on his open mouth, covering his mouth, and he kept his eyes squarely on the flop. As I was I riffling my chips I looked over to my right, where another $1-$2 game was running -- that one was a wild game where I could honestly say there had to have been 3K-4K chips on the table. At that moment, I wish I was at that game.....I looked back at my opponent and saw him glance at me, then back at the flop, then at me....His eyes darting back and forth like one of those cat-eyes clocks which rotates with every passing second.

Then I saw something my opponent did which helped me make a decision -- it was subtle move, something I probably wouldn't have if I wasn't paying attention: in the midst of darting his eyes back and forth...He quickly looked his chips, then looked down....It's a pattern I've seen many times when I'm dealing usually indicating a bluff....A second later, I pushed my chip towards the pot and announced call....My opponent mucked his hand instantly and stormed out of the poker room, talking to no one in particular, "I can't believe he made that call!!!!!"

As I raked the pot, I got congrats from Lightning and Robvegaspoker, "Great call" Coming from those guys, it meant a lot...LuckiDucki said goodbye once again, and left....Soon after, Robvegaspoker and I left....What a great night of poker playing with my poker blogger friend and having a winning session.

THIS JUST IN....POKER MELTDOWN AT PLANET HOLLYWOOD....FILM AT 11

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'Want to start by saying, everyone who plays poker no matter how good you think you are, or how bad you think you are, are bound to have a meltdown at some point. The key is minimizing those meltdowns. Alas, they do come when you least expect it. At times, you don't realize it's happening until you're shipping your entire stack to your opponent. 

This my poker friends, is the balt999 meltdown of Jul 2013:

LOCATION: PLANET HOLLYWOOD CASINO, LAS VEGAS, NV: 12:50AM (give or take a few minutes)

HERO: Poker dealer/poker player/occasional bingo player/occasional sports bettor/all-around good dad/winner of a Putt-Putt golf tournament when I was 6 years old

VILIAN: Aggressive Asian dude with a Golden St Warrior T-Shirt. Never said a word the entire time I sat until he muttered those deadly words to me (more on that later). Probably a good dude, just not when we're playing pots together.

SET UP: I'm sitting in Seat 7, Villain in seat 9. Been playing for about 3 hrs when the meltdown occurred. I have 225 in front of me...He's sitting with 200. I intended it to be my final orbit, and as you will see...it was. Villain had a habit of raising his button every time action was too him especially if there were multiple limpers in front of him...Only time he didn't raise he's button is if there was a raise in front.

HERO MISTAKE #1: Two limpers in front of me, and I'm dealt the lovely AQ off suit, and limp behind. I should have raised. AQ is not a hand I want to play with multiple players. Should have tried to reduce the field

HERO MISTAKE #2: I was tired and looking for an excuse to leave the game, but my stubbornness prevailed

HERO MISTAKE #3: Villain raised to $15 folded around to me...I nonchalantly toss in three red chips to complete the call. The play was to either raise or fold...learning towards raise. Because he was raising every button, his preflop raising standards was very wide...I could have made it $35-$45, and maybe take down the pot there or depending on his course of action, I could narrow his range and play accordingly. Although I would have been out of position the entire time.

HERO MISTAKE #4: Flop comes out KQ4...I checked, Villain Bet $25..I call...I think leading out is the play here. A probing bet of $15 probably would have giving me the information I needed. Cause he's folding a ton of hands in his range here...If he calls, I would definitely check the turn (Unless I hit a Q or A), and reevaluate according to his action. A raise, and I'm folding 50% of the time cause I don't want to play a big pot out of position.

HERO MISTAKE #5: Forgetting my #1 cash game rule: Never play a big pot unless I have the nuts or close to the nuts

HERO MISTAKE #6: The turn brings an 8...At this point the mistakes are compounding quickly and larger like a goddamn snowball as big as one of those wrecking balls. I check again. Villain bets $50. At this point, my feeble mind should have set off signals that this guy has the big hand to be betting this much....I peek behind his arms and see he has around $90 left...Another clue...HE WAS POT COMMITTED!!!!!!! If raised all-in, he would have been forced to call. And Of Course, I cant beat anything at his point...I guess a feeble QJ maybe but I seriously think he's not playing QJ Postflop that way.....Then it happens.....

Triumphantly, I announced "ALL IN" as if I'm some great player with the "Greatest Read in the History of Poker". The Villain instant calls...
"Do you have King" I gulped.
Villain nods,"Yeah" as he turns over KJ
River bricked out and I'm shipping nearly my entire stack two my left, leaving the remanence of my epic meltdown: $22.

I get felted a few hands later. I nearly reached into my pocket for another buy in but decide it was better to lick my wounds and not try to chase my losses.

EPILOGUE: As I'm driving home, I got over that AQ hand in my head, and list all the things that went wrong. As you can see..A LOT!!!!!! Despite this legendary meltdown, it by no means shook my confidence as a poker player. I had one really terrible session where I didn't lose because of a bad beat, set over set, or a horrendous river suck out...I lost because I played one hand terribly and in no limit that cost me dearly. Truthfully, this probably won't be the first or the last meltdown I'll have as I prod through the life as a poker player, but learning from it is the key.

And When I do, I'll have more of these......

Rather than one of these.....