TALES FROM THE BOX: THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF BROTER "THE POSER"

Once again, I bring another tale from the behind the felt of a Las Vegas Poker Dealer...as I present

 

THE FURTHER

 

ADVENTURES

 

OF

 

BROTER "THE POSER"

 

 

For those want to understand the story behind Broter "The Poser" please click this link for a past blog post I wrote about this piece of work.

 

So I'm standing around, waiting for my turn to get into the dealer box to make or shatter the poker dreams of the young and old alike, our hero BROTER strolls into the poker room wearing his typical phony plain looking suit. Top two buttons of his white collared shirt unbuttoned. BROTER begins his typical sprint around the poker room, with a shit-eating grin plastered to his face, trying to make sure all the poker dealers, poker players, cocktail waitresses, and anyone within eyesight that the "Great, and almighty" BROTER has graced us with his presence.

 

The first thing BROTER does is to try and get a seat in the poker game, but alas, there are two No Limit games running, but the game is full and there is a small list. So a dealer puts BROTER on the list, at the same time, BROTER is staring at his phone...I guess trying to see if the president of the Poser Associations of America send him a text proclaiming his awesomeness!

 

So BROTER stands around by himself for a moment, stunningly surprised that no one from the poker room is doing him a favor by asking about his life. BROTER begins milling around to looking for someone to talk too...he sets his radar on the nearest person...which happened to be...YOURS TRULY, RONALD VELACION BALTAZAR

 

Unsolicated, he shows me a woman on his iPhone, a very attractive woman I must say and begins his rant...the way only BROTER can do, and without a single salutation, the rant starts, "I got this girl's phone number yesterday, but I'm not sure I'm going to call her. Because I have another girl I've been talking too. I know I can get this girl in bed, but I don't know if I want too cause I have this other girl I've been talking too."

 

Of course, I'm nodding my head putting up my best "customer service" smile, but all the while, I'm thinking, "Are you being fucking serious??!! Why would tell me about all this unsolicited? Does this fucking douchebag think I'm going get down on my hands and knees and bow to the feet of this clown?

 

Finally, BROTER gets his seat, and I'm spared anymore crap from his bubbling idiot. I walk over to another dealer and tell them the story of BROTER blaring at me...we share a laugh....

 

This was the latest, but it's definitely won't be the last...

 

SO STAY TUNED FOR MORE ADVENTURES OF

 

 

BROTER "THE POSER"

 

 

 

"The Poser" Broter -- A Las Vegas Tale

Kids, parents, interested parties, and anyone who wants to listen..


I HATE POSERS!!

According to the Urban Dictionary, one of the funniest websites I've ever come across, a POSER is defined as "One who pretends to be someone who's not" or "someone who tries to someone with exaggeration."

In Las Vegas, you come across a lot of posers. Most do it because they're visiting and just want to have some fun, so I don't fault them. Then, you come across people, who live in Vegas, and do their best to become someone they're not...and what makes it worst, they'll always tell you about it. And, it's always unsolicited.

There's a young poser, who I've played poker with around town...we'll just call him "Broter", Broter would always play in a cheesy gray suit (similar to the one worn by the Dos Equis guy), always with the collar unbutton, hair greased up, cheap lofters, and walking in talking on this cell phone. Convinently, Broter would end his conversation when someone in the poker room approached him.

Broter started ranting about how he was just talking to girl, and she wanted him to take her to fancy restaurant or how he had sex with all these women..The funny thing was all this was unsolicited -- Not one time, did a player, dealer, floorman, cocktail waitress, porter ask him about his "exploits" with women. Here's a example of a dialogue I had with him about a year ago:

Me: What's up, Broter

Broter: Hey Ron...just got back from seeing this girl. She said she wanted to meet me for lunch, but I told her I was too busy (Insert goofy laugh here). I told her I wanted to play poker.

Me: That's cool

Broter, Yeah, I mean she keeps calling me and saying she want to meet me and that I should take her to Bellagio for lunch, but I'm so cheap that I couldn't. (TO THE DEALER: I'll buy in for $300, give me 20 in ones so I can tip the cocktail waitress). Yeah, I could have sex with her anytime, but man I got all these other women I need to get with that I have no time for her.

Me: Really

Brother: Like today, she asked me to meet me for lunch, but I told her I'd rather play poker, so consider yourself thankful.

Me: (Sarcastically) WOW, aren't we the lucky ones.

Then Broter becomes the poser poker player.

He tries to comes across as this loose aggressive player capable of making bluffs, but playing with him for years, I can tell you he is the most transparent player you'll ever face. He's the tightest nit, unwilling to gamble when it's warrants, then sits there folds and folds while getting up from the table to answer or text his phone. I'll tell you, I've won some nice pots, by always reraising him preflop because 99 percent of the time, he'll make some wimpy, pussy 7 dollar raise and I'll make it $20 and he'll make a speech about how he has a big hand (He always has a big hand when he raises), then he'll fold 99 percent of the time, saying he'll find a different spot. Although the different spot is always the same one...Broter raise, I re-raise, speech, then folds. When faced with aggression, my poser friend, Broter will usually shy from it.

I've played with Broter a lot, and I've never seen him have a big stack. I can honestly say the most I've ever seen him win was maybe 200 bucks, and that's because the deck totally hit him in the face.

Another one of his favorite lines always came when a beautiful woman passed through the poker room: "Look at tits on her, I'm going to get her number." Alas though, he would never leave his chair, he'd just sit there fold his 15th straight hand, and go back to messing with his phone.

Another thing I noticed about Broter was he would always ask the dealer if he tipped them, which he rarely did, as if he did something extremely noble. As a dealer, I noticed this cause he would be condescending to the dealers as if it a "pleasure" and his "honor" to toss a buck their way.  He was one of those "obnoxious" tippers..guys that toss the toke up on the air so the entire table could see..one of those, "I'm a tipper, everyone look at me. I'm the best."

Let me say this, I don't think Broter is not a terrible person. I think he has some self confident issues always from the poker room, and he uses poker as a way to become and try to become something he desperately wants to be. He tries and craves the attention that he comes across as a total douchebag...again, not a bad thing, but damn when you hear and see the same shtick repeatedly, you want to take his head and pound it against the wall....ONE TIME!!!!!!

I'm sure the next time I'm playing poker and I see Broter stroll into the poker room, you can assure two things: 1) he'll make sure everyone knows he's in the room 2) one of the nittiest players will sit with you, so ask for a table change

THIS JUST IN....POKER MELTDOWN AT PLANET HOLLYWOOD....FILM AT 11

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'Want to start by saying, everyone who plays poker no matter how good you think you are, or how bad you think you are, are bound to have a meltdown at some point. The key is minimizing those meltdowns. Alas, they do come when you least expect it. At times, you don't realize it's happening until you're shipping your entire stack to your opponent. 

This my poker friends, is the balt999 meltdown of Jul 2013:

LOCATION: PLANET HOLLYWOOD CASINO, LAS VEGAS, NV: 12:50AM (give or take a few minutes)

HERO: Poker dealer/poker player/occasional bingo player/occasional sports bettor/all-around good dad/winner of a Putt-Putt golf tournament when I was 6 years old

VILIAN: Aggressive Asian dude with a Golden St Warrior T-Shirt. Never said a word the entire time I sat until he muttered those deadly words to me (more on that later). Probably a good dude, just not when we're playing pots together.

SET UP: I'm sitting in Seat 7, Villain in seat 9. Been playing for about 3 hrs when the meltdown occurred. I have 225 in front of me...He's sitting with 200. I intended it to be my final orbit, and as you will see...it was. Villain had a habit of raising his button every time action was too him especially if there were multiple limpers in front of him...Only time he didn't raise he's button is if there was a raise in front.

HERO MISTAKE #1: Two limpers in front of me, and I'm dealt the lovely AQ off suit, and limp behind. I should have raised. AQ is not a hand I want to play with multiple players. Should have tried to reduce the field

HERO MISTAKE #2: I was tired and looking for an excuse to leave the game, but my stubbornness prevailed

HERO MISTAKE #3: Villain raised to $15 folded around to me...I nonchalantly toss in three red chips to complete the call. The play was to either raise or fold...learning towards raise. Because he was raising every button, his preflop raising standards was very wide...I could have made it $35-$45, and maybe take down the pot there or depending on his course of action, I could narrow his range and play accordingly. Although I would have been out of position the entire time.

HERO MISTAKE #4: Flop comes out KQ4...I checked, Villain Bet $25..I call...I think leading out is the play here. A probing bet of $15 probably would have giving me the information I needed. Cause he's folding a ton of hands in his range here...If he calls, I would definitely check the turn (Unless I hit a Q or A), and reevaluate according to his action. A raise, and I'm folding 50% of the time cause I don't want to play a big pot out of position.

HERO MISTAKE #5: Forgetting my #1 cash game rule: Never play a big pot unless I have the nuts or close to the nuts

HERO MISTAKE #6: The turn brings an 8...At this point the mistakes are compounding quickly and larger like a goddamn snowball as big as one of those wrecking balls. I check again. Villain bets $50. At this point, my feeble mind should have set off signals that this guy has the big hand to be betting this much....I peek behind his arms and see he has around $90 left...Another clue...HE WAS POT COMMITTED!!!!!!! If raised all-in, he would have been forced to call. And Of Course, I cant beat anything at his point...I guess a feeble QJ maybe but I seriously think he's not playing QJ Postflop that way.....Then it happens.....

Triumphantly, I announced "ALL IN" as if I'm some great player with the "Greatest Read in the History of Poker". The Villain instant calls...
"Do you have King" I gulped.
Villain nods,"Yeah" as he turns over KJ
River bricked out and I'm shipping nearly my entire stack two my left, leaving the remanence of my epic meltdown: $22.

I get felted a few hands later. I nearly reached into my pocket for another buy in but decide it was better to lick my wounds and not try to chase my losses.

EPILOGUE: As I'm driving home, I got over that AQ hand in my head, and list all the things that went wrong. As you can see..A LOT!!!!!! Despite this legendary meltdown, it by no means shook my confidence as a poker player. I had one really terrible session where I didn't lose because of a bad beat, set over set, or a horrendous river suck out...I lost because I played one hand terribly and in no limit that cost me dearly. Truthfully, this probably won't be the first or the last meltdown I'll have as I prod through the life as a poker player, but learning from it is the key.

And When I do, I'll have more of these......

Rather than one of these.....

I LOVE MY GUILTY PLEASURE -- 1980's MUSIC

I'm a child of the 80's....
I love everything about the 80's
Wall Street, Karate Kid (Macchio version), Just One of the Guys, Breakfast Club, and 3 O'clock High are among my favorite 80' movies

But most of all I LOVE THE MUSIC of the 80's!!!

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I began thinking about what I wanted to write for my next blog. Usually, I'll have my iPod blasted throughout my room usually singing along like some Friday-Night karaoke singer on his 5th beer, thinking I'm in a capacity-filled arena. I usually set my iPod to "Shuffle" so some random song will start playing. I have 1,100 songs tucked away from Billy Joel to Justin Timberlake, from Human Nature to Alanis Morrissette, from Stryper to Nickelback, from Michael Jackson to Bruno Mars. The best part about setting my IPod to shuffle, sometimes you come across an obscure song from you childhood/teenager years, or to a happy time of your life (or a sad time in your life), or to a significant moment that changed your life forever. You hear the song, stop whatever you were doing and think about those moments in your life. For me, I'm usually smiling, dancing, cheering, and you feel you heart fill with precious gold that warms you all over, and for those 3-5 minutes the song is playing, you lose yourself in it forgetting about the troubles, stress, and the day to day grind that is your life.

Today, those 80's songs are guilty pleasures, songs are forgotten by the today's standards, but I love them and will always have them blasted in my IPod as I'm relaxing, playing poker, or working out...you never want to lose that part of your life that is pure and innocent....Believe me it'll keep you from going insane.

So I'm want to present some my favorite bands, singers, songs of the 80's:

Culture Club -- For the longest time I thought Boy George was a girl. Music was very infectious.

Stryper -- Christian Heavy Metal Band who wore Yellow and black. Saw them in concert for the first time a few years ago....one of the greatest moments of my life. Probably my favorite Heavy Metal Band of all time. I used to wear their Pin to school, and everyone would ask me if I was Christian...lol

Hall and Oates: "I Can't Go For that" is still one of my favorite songs of all time.

The Jets  --  I had a lot of Samoan friends and I thought they were related to this group -- Come to find out they weren't Samoan, they were from the Island of Tonga...lol

Cutting Crew -- "I Just Died in your Arms" another classic. Although they had another obscure song I love even more, "I've Been in Love Before"

Huey Lewis and The News -- I love this band! Another group where every song was infectious! They just looked a bunch of guys playing good music and having a great time! I've never seen them in concert..I would love to someday...not sure if they're still performing.


There you have it. My 80's guilty pleasure. I'm sure I left off enough 80's bands to fill two or three blogs, but I wanted to go as obscure as possible with my selections. Whenever a song from one of these bands start blaring my iPod, I know it's time to lose yourself.....and smile!